So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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