it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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