After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
