I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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