i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
