I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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