just tell him i said nine months
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
