this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just found puke in my bra..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
