my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
