We're facebook friends in real life
so that wasnt chicken after all
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
