someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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