I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
