ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Im part way to drunk.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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