Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
