he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
