i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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