I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
