Betty ford says i'm here all night
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
