I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
