I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
