i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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