Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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