Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
