How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I will pee on everything he values.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
