well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize