It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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