Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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