I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
