where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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