if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
