I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
