Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
