I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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