as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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