I wish I could punch you in the face.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
