I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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