I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
