he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
