The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
