the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
