ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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