drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
