Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
