you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
