where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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