I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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