If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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