i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like abortions should bother me more
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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