I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
