I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
