I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
