I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
