I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
