so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize