Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
