i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
