u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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