I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
